Forks, Inc
by NicNicNic
Summary: Bella Swan is successful, smart, and single... very, very single. Join in as she navigates the corporate world and the dating world. When the two forcefully combine, it all gets a little murky. Venn Diagrams are supposed to be good in the middle, right? Wrong. It's all going down in flames at Forks, Inc.
1. One

Who needed to go to the gym when you could try on clothes? The fight to find something that flatters you and is also appropriate was just exhausting. I was sweating like a whore in church, huffing like I weighed four hundred pounds, and swearing like a sailor.

I'd say it was one of my finer moments in life.

Another night of sweatpants and Netflix was calling my name, beckoning me like a siren through the sea of cotton and linen that had become my walk-in closet.

My phone rang around outfit nine which was somehow worse than the eight before. I had to whip it off quickly before I developed a complex. Sighing, I collapsed on the bed. I'm sure I was a wet dream for someone in my tight-ass spanx…the kind where you wake up with a wet pillow because you were sleep crying.

Blah. This shouldn't be that hard. I was just dressing for a work party. It's not like I would be having any real fun tonight. I should pick a dress that isn't vomit-inducing and roll with it - _rolls and all._

I just can't believe the state of my closet. Every dress was terrible, and I didn't even remember buying most of them! I think drunk online shopping was becoming an actual problem for me. I wonder if they a twelve-step program for that?

 _Hello, my name is Bella, and I keep drinking Merlot and buying shit on Amazon._

Turning back to the task at hand, I took out the next one. A blue bandeau dress that I could tell would be too small just by looking at it. With blind hope conjured up from the most desperate pits of my soul, I rolled the tight fabric up my body, inch by excruciating inch. Then, I made a huge mistake. I looked at myself in the mirror.

Ooh, I was stuffed in tight. Things were barely even being contained. I had gone one step further than a uniboob. My breasts were under my armpits. I looked like a package of biscuits that had been beaten against the edge of the counter - ready to pop!

I'm not unattractive by any mean. I'm not super tall but I have long legs, curvy in the right spots, and sometimes my ass looks _fantastic_ , but it had been a few years and a few pounds since I wore this dress. It had definitely turned into a ban-don't.

Making my next mistake, I did a spin to see the back of me. I was bulgy in all sorts of spots.

Okay, so maybe a few pounds was fifteen pounds. We can't be twenty-two forever.

My phone starting to ring again.

I danced along to the ringtone while picking the monster wedgie I was rocking from squeezing into this dress.

"Mama B's biscuits," I answered.

My best friend Alice laughed in response. "You're selling biscuits now? I thought your company only manufactured the plastic utensils you eat them with!"

"Girl, you and I both know that you don't need anything besides your own two hands to get down on some biscuits," I replied.

"You need a knife to put some butter on it."

My eyes glazed over at the thought of a hot buttered biscuit. "You're right."

"And jelly," she added.

I may have drooled a tiny bit. "Damn, now I'm hungry!"

Alice chuckled into the phone. "Well, aren't you going to dinner?"

I sighed and started the process of trying to remove myself from my dress. I put her on speaker and threw my phone on the bed. "Yes, but it's a work dinner. Do you think I should eat before so I don't act like a pig?"

She snorted or scoffed. It was hard to distinguish between them while I had a blue bandeau dress wrapped around my head.

I had managed to get one arm free when she replied. "Just eat normally at dinner, and then if you're still hungry, hit up a drive through on the way home.

I paused, one arm in the air and the other still tugging at the deathtrap of a dress.

"Good call," I agreed with a nod, my left arm flapping forward with the movement. "Good call."

Finally, I popped out. I took a long, deep breath, letting the oxygen flow back into my midsection.

"Why are you breathing so heavily?" Alice questioned.

I put my hands on knees. "I'm not," I wheezed.

"Okay," she sounded skeptical, but let it go, changing the subject. "Jazz is taking me to the symphony tonight."

"The symphony," I repeated in my best snooty voice. "My, my my."

"It's fun!" she protested. I didn't feel the need to even give that a response. "It's a little boring," Alice conceded. "But, Jasper's sister is in the damn symphony, Bella. We have to go!"

"Hey, I like Beethoven as much as the next person under sixty."

"You are utterly unsophisticated," she snapped back playfully at my sarcasm.

I kicked the devil's blue dress across the room. "I think that's an understatement, Alice. I work at Forks. We make plastic silverware. I think my life is anything but sophisticated."

Alice laughed. "Oh, shut up, you big baby. You're the youngest regional sales rep at the company. You make great money, and you have a male receptionist."

"Oh, yes, Jacob," I smiled thinking about him. "He's the marker. I've reached my dreams!"

"Hey, remember, you may feel bad because you don't have shoes, but you have to remember there are people who don't have feet," she scolded me.

"So what you're saying is I should go barefoot to this event in honor of the less fortunate?" I joked.

Alice huffed. "I'm saying be grateful, but you already knew that. You're being impossible on purpose, you dumb, dumb skank."

"HA!" a large bark of laughter slipped from my lips before deteriorating into chuckles. "That's real sweet of you, best friend."

Alice laughed and then rounded it out with a little snort.

Giggling, I told her good night. "Alright, Porky Pig. I have to figure out what to wear and get going. I'm running out of time."

"Have fun! Smile and talk to people. It could be your night to shine you never know. Also, wear the black dress with long sleeves and the high neck, pair it with that bib necklace I got you for your birthday." She paused. "Umm… and the black pumps."

It sounded good to me. That black dress was comfortable and sleek at the same time. I could even skip the Spanx.

"Ma'am, yes, Ma'am," I replied. "Anything else?"

"Hmm… nope, I think that's it. Send me a pic once you're dressed. Love you!"

"Love you, too," I responded with a smile. "Have fun at the symphony!" My nasally, snooty tone was back in full force for that one.

"Oh, I will, Bella. I will have so much fun, and then I will buy an extra ticket for you to join us next time."

"Nooo!" I tried, but it was already too late. She had hung up.

Damn.


	2. Two

I slipped into the the restaurant right before cocktail time ended, saving myself from a lot of endless small talk.

 _Yes, the weather was fine._

 _No, I didn't catch that football game._

 _Indeed, the numbers for the quarter looked promising._

 _Blah, blah, blah._

I needed a drink.

I smiled at the co-workers I passed as I made my way to the bar. A few people were mingling here, smiling banaly over their drinks. A couple of men weren't even pretending that their focus wasn't glued to the television above the bar, their eyes glazed over as a ball was caught or a punt was kicked or something else sports related happened. I couldn't even care less honestly.

I gave the bartender a small, desperate smile when we made eye contact. "Can I get a gin and tonic with lime, please?"

"Swan!" a booming voice came from behind me.

I tried not to roll my eyes at my boss before I turned around, slipping on my best, fake work smile.

"Newster!" I replied. I may have even winked and shot him with a finger gun.

He gave me a shake of his head, a grin etched permanently on his face. "You're a funny gal, Swan," he remarked. "That's what I always say."

He was always saying what he always said just like I was always faking anything I said.

I'm not sure which one was worst.

I gave him the old standby-the smile and nod, and thankfully, he moved on to his next target, Eric from accounting. His wife Jessica trailed behind him, eyes glazed over and fake boobs bouncing. She was drunk, like always.

Shit, I would be too if I was married to Mike "Newster" Newton.

I grabbed my drink and slipped a couple of dollars into the tip jar before making my way toward the dining room. I wanted to sit down at a table of my choosing and then zone out until dessert.

"Bella!"

I looked up to see Angela, my only actually work friend, waving at me from the back of the room. She gave me a quick, sharp look and a slight nod to the chair next to her before slowly moving her head to the right. I glanced over and saw Weird Alec from the Warehouse sauntering his way toward her.

Ah, immediate interference needed.

I picked up the pace and slid into the chair next to her just as Alec reached the table. Luckily the other two chairs were filled with Bree from Marketing and her boyfriend who she talks about non-stop at work.

I have met this guy at least five times, but I honestly don't know his name because she _never_ uses it! She only refers to him as her boyfriend. My boyfriend did this, and my boyfriend did that...

At this point, it would be too awkward and rude to ask his name.

"Hello, Ang," Weird Alec from the Warehouse said after a moment of pouting from missing the open seat next to his imaginary beloved. I bet he had a weird shrine at his apartment dedicated to Angela. He totally seemed the type.

"Alec, nice to see you," she replied with a small, tight smile aka the face of southern annoyance.

His return smile was beaming, and I bit my bottom lip to stop myself from laughing.

"Maybe, I could buy you a drink?" he asked Angela.

"It's an open bar," Angela was quick to retort. A waiter walked behind Alec, and she waved him down. "Whiskey neat, please," she requested. Alec smiled at her. "A double," she added to the waiter.

He continued to hover a while longer and it was starting to get uncomfortable, but I was quietly enjoying it because it wasn't happening to me. I snorted into my gin & tonic, and Angela kicked me under the table.

I took the bait. "Alec, it was so nice seeing you tonight. I think dinner is about to start, though. See you Monday."

He looked around at the room quickly filling up. Luckily some of the only free chairs were on the complete other side.

"See ya, Ang," he said his goodbyes and finally left.

Once he was out of range, I started full on laughing.

"Stop," Angela hissed, but she was giggling too. "You're completely terrible."

"Weird Al is never going to get the hint, girl," I replied. "You need to be blunt and nip it in the bud."

"I know, but I just keep hoping he will just give up." The waiter handed her drink to her. "Here's to hoping." She took a large gulp.

"You need a boyfriend," Bree added her unasked for two cents. She patted her boyfriend's arm, but he never looked up from his phone in his lap. "All of the guys leave me alone at work because they know I have a boyfriend."

"Good for y'all," I replied, acidly sweet.

Angela once again kicked me under the table, but it was hard to stop me once I got going. "You two are just adorable, as well!" I said. Bree smiled and nodded in response. Damn, girl. Conceited, much?

I had to pull out the big gun. "Bless your hearts!"

Bree's smile dropped into a small snarl before she regained control over her face. "Well, maybe someday someone will see your inner beauty, Bella."

 _What. A. Bitch._

Angela coughed and shook her head at me, so I reigned in the veiled insults I was ready to spit back at her. I forced a smile and lifted up my cocktail. "I'll drink to that."

"Cheers!" Angela added, clinking her glass with mine. Bree held out her drink, but we both ignored it. She huffed but luckily didn't say anything else. She just tapped her glass against her boyfriend's beer who never even looked up.

The dinner started after that and Bob Banner the President of Forks, Inc. gave a long, boring speech. Then, Mildred Cope, the VP gave an even longer, boring speech. After that, I think someone else gave a long, and even more boring speech, but it was during dessert. My mind was completely consumed with the flourless chocolate cake that was placed in front of me.

Banner was back up there, and his voice cut into my chocolate haze. "He's retiring after thirty-five loyal years of hardwork and dedication. We're going to miss him around the office, but we know we'll see him on the links!" Banner paused for laughter. There was barely any, but it didn't seem to phase him. "Everyone have a good night and drive safe!"

I missed something big. People started clapping, and I turned to Angela. "Who is retiring?"

"You weren't listening?" she asked with a small grimace. I hoped that was a rhetorical question. I wouldn't have asked her if I had been listening.

I think she could see my response my face, so she quickly told me, "Mike Newton."

I gasped. That was the first good thing I heard all night. I was directly in line for his job. Well, me and like five other people, but still, the odds were good.

Bree cleared her throat and gave me a big, fake smile. "Oh, dear, you should really pay attention, Bella." She was enjoying this too much. "You'll meet your new boss Monday."


	3. Three

The next day I was at yoga with Alice, upside down in downward dog and basically hating my life. I don't know why I kept letting her talk me into attending this class on Saturday morning.

I was terrible at yoga, and it made my nose run.

"I am so pissed," I hissed while going through a sun salutation. Alice eyeballed me and gave me a quick cut-it head shake, but I pretended I didn't understand her.

"I can't believe they hired from outside of the company!" I continued. The girl next to me turned and shushed me. I stared her down until she turned away and ducked back into her child's pose.

"Stop threatening people with your crazy eyes!" Alice whisper-yelled at me as the instructor loudly cleared her throat at us in warning. "Shut up and namaste!"

"Fine!" I seethed, stepping into warrior pose under protest. I somewhat concentrated on the rest of the class after that. I did step out for a ten minute drink of water, but that can't be held against me-I was just really thirsty.

Later, after a much needed smoothie to chill the fuck out, Alice and I sat on top of a concrete picnic table under a tree in the park around the corner from the gym.

"I can't believe you keep talking during yoga, Bella," she told me, shaking her head. "You're going to us kicked out eventually!"

"Good! I don't know why I keep coming when you ask me to anyway. I never get why people like yoga so much. I find it terribly stressful."

"That's because you won't shut up and find some damn zen!" she snapped.

"Yeah, you're real zen, Al," I said, laughing. She joined in and we kept at it until my sides were hurting. I sighed, coming down from the giggle-high. "I needed that."

Alice nodded and relaxed, leaning back against her elbows. She looked over at me from above her sunglasses. "Do you know what I need?" she asked.

"Tacos?" I guessed. You always had to throw it out there just in case.

"Tacos?" Alice questioned me for some reason. I'd personally never question tacos. "It's not even eleven."

"It's never too early for tacos, Alice," I told her, and she rolled her eyes. "Breakfast tacos, then," I conceded, but she didn't seem pleased.

"I wasn't thinking about food," she semi-snapped at me. I didn't push the issue but she totally sounded _hangry._ Girl could use a taco in my opinion. "I was just going to suggest we treat ourselves to a pedicure today.

I glanced down at my toes. There was only polish left on half of my nails. "I could use a pedicure for sure," I agreed.

Alice's face lit up with a huge grin, and I was immediately suspicious. Before I could ask her what was up, she grabbed my arm and pulled me off the table and toward her car, practically pushing me into the passenger seat.

"Okay, pedicures and after that shopping for a new outfit!" Alice said with glee as she locked the doors and zipped out of the parking lot.

"I didn't agree to all that!" I argued, but she just started to laugh.

"I'm driving, and I'm not taking you home until after shopping. Suck it up."

"You're holding me hostage," I protested.

She glanced at me and rolled her eyes before turning back to the road. "We can go get tacos," she finally said.

I smiled. "Okay, I'm in."

Four stores, ten toes, and three tacos later, I was home. I kicked my shoes off at the door, wiggled out of my bra, and sat down on the couch, covering myself with a throw blanket. It was blissful.

Alice then followed me inside. She glanced at my shoes by the door and then at my bra thrown over the chair. "I was literally two seconds behind you," she remarked with awe. "How did you take your bra off that quick?"

"These bad boys needed to be free," I remarked, grabbing the remote and flipping on the television.

Alice sat down next to me, folded her legs underneath her and pulled the rest of the blanket over her. "I'm not wearing a bra," she admitted as we concentrated on some trashy reality show.

"I know, Alice, and sometimes I hate you for it."

She grinned. "And sometimes I hate you for your curves, but we all have our own crosses to bare."

"Okay, Jesus," I snorted.

Alice then hit me in the face with a pillow. I thought about retaliation but I was too tired. I just flipped her off as I snuggled deeper under the blanket.

Alice yawned and pushed her cold nubby toes under my blanket and onto my bare skin.

"Bitch!" I hissed.

Alice just laughed. "Turn it on," she dared me.

"It's too early in the day," I replied, shaking my head. "I can't do it. I have laundry and stuff to get done.

Alice really laughed then. "You have your laundry picked up, you liar."

Damn. She had my number. "Fine!" I conceded. "But we're stopping at two," I told her as I opened Netflix and pushed play on an episode of Buffy that we had seen at least ten times.

At some point we both fell asleep on my couch. I woke up with Alice's legs over mine and a terrible stale taco taste in my mouth. "Alice," I mumbled, elbowing her ankles, trying to wake her up.

"Not now, Jasper. I'm winning," she replied with a small snore.

I snickered. "What are you winning, Al?" I asked her.

A serene smile lit up her face. "The bowling championship...only one more frame to go."

I was pretty sure Alice didn't bowl, but I was never one to crush dreams. "Strike 'em out, hot hands!" I cheered her on. I was a little too enthusiastic though and I woke up sleeping beauty bowler up.

"Wha?" she asked, blinking owlishly. "Hmm…" she rubbed her eyes and stretched. "What time is it."

Grabbing her phone off the coffee table, I glanced at the time. "It's 5:30, and you have three missed calls and four missed texts."

"Damn!" she jerked up and ended up sitting on my lap completely in the process, squishing me into the sofa cushions. She grabbed her phone out of my hands and skimmed her texts before hitting the call button and bringing her cell up to her ear. She still hadn't gotten off me.

"Hey, baby," she cooed into the phone. I rolled my eyes and pushed her. She glared at me and hissed, "Stop!"

"Not you," she laughed. "Bella pushed me." She nodded her head. "Jasper says stop pushing me," she told me.

"Jasper, help me!" I yelled out. "Your tiny wife is trying to kill me!"

He was no help at all. I could hear him laughing through the phone.

"That's a great idea," Alice replied to him. "Mmhmm…definitely!," she agreed, bouncing a bit in place with excitement.

I let out an extra loud oof with each bounce and pushed her off me. She stood up and walked away, continuing her conversation. "I can do that. She can be convinced." Another pause. "Right. Okay, I'll be home soon. Love you!"

Alice came back into the room with a big smile on her face.

Uh-oh.

"We're going out tonight!" she stated. "Get your ass in the shower!"


	4. Four

Two long hours later, I was at Alice and Jasper's house, sitting on their sofa and waiting for her to get ready. I was trying to be patient, but I didn't know how much I had left. Alice had poked and prodded me with every beauty tool I had for over two hours, but she seemed to be able to get herself ready somewhat quickly.

Either my hair and skin were straight out of a horror movie compared to hers, or Alice just really enjoyed torturing me with the curling iron.

It was probably a bit of both, and if my long brown hair didn't look so freaking fantastic right now, I might have taken the time and energy to get mildly offended.

As it was, I was just ready to get this night started already before I fell asleep on their couch.

Jasper was sitting in the armchair across from me while we waited on Alice, his blue eyes glued to the television. It was the end of a football game, and he paid me no mind as I crossed my legs and uncrossed my legs and tapped my toes and drummed my fingers on the armrest. I was bored out of mind.

"NO!" Jasper stood up, his hands going into his blond curly hair. "Stupid fuckers can't catch the ball!"

"Gotta hate those stupid fuckers," I commiserated.

Jasper finally looked over at me. "I wish I could, Bella," he told me seriously. "They keep disappointin' me, but I just can't quit 'em. I love 'em." He shrugged, looking so forlorn.

"You and your football team are like a Nicholas Sparks book," I told him. "I'm kind of concerned for you. Where does Alice fit into your love affair?"

Alice laughed as she walked back into the living room. She looked amazing, all legs and heels for miles even though she was only five-three. Her short dark hair was smooth and framed perfectly around her face. She was perfection achieved in only fifteen minutes. If I didn't love her so much, I'd hate her.

"I know!" she says, agreeing with me. "I'm totally the third wheel when it's football season."

Jasper grabbed her as passed him, pulling her into a tight hug. "You're always my number one draft pick, baby," he told her as he let her go.

I tried not to make a face because I guess that was sweet. I honestly wasn't quite sure, but Alice started to giggle and bat her eyes like crazy. She definitely seemed to like it which is all that mattered.

"Go Team!" Alice shouted right before slapping Jasper right on the ass.

"Okay," I said, breaking up their weird foreplay. "Let's get out of here already. It's nine, and I'm thirty. I want to be home by midnight."

"You're such a grandma, Bella," Alice snapped, rolling her brown eyes, as she grabbed her bag.

"Whatever! Y'all eat dinner at like 5:30, so just watch who you're calling grandma, grandma!" I replied.

"It's better for your figure if you don't eat late at night," she said, speaking to me like I was slow. Alice had the bad habit of stating things like you were just too dumb to comprehend it.

"Seven is not late at night," I argued. "That's normal dinner time! I've told you a million times no one wants to have dinner with the blue hairs. You should just start eating exclusively at Piccadilly."

Alice gasped. "Ooh, I can't believe you would throw Piccadilly in my face! I should have never told you that."

"Well, if the orthopedic shoe fits…" I trailed off with a smug smile. Alice shook her head at me and pretended she was going to throw her definitely non-orthopedic five inch heel at me.

"Ladies, that's enough," Jasper stepped between us with his hands up like we were actually going to fight. I hadn't even gotten off the couch. "Let's call it a tie. You're both old biddies in disguise."

"Well," I said, standing up. "Let me find my walker and then let's hit the road."

An hour later we were finally situated at a table with our drinks in a fancy bar downtown. If we were grandmas, Jasper was someone's great-grandpa because he drove so damn slow I thought we would never get here.

I surveyed the room. There were a lot of dudes in suits. It wasn't looking good so far. I mean, it's Saturday night. It wasn't happy hour after work. I like a man to put a little effort into his wardrobe but a full suit and tie on the weekend was just over doing it in my opinion. A man like that was just too high maintenance. He'd take more time in the bathroom than me.

I glanced down at my black skinny pants and fancy top, feeling vindicated that I was dressed right for the situation. I mean I doubt men would come talk to me on a Saturday if I was in one of my work suits.

They would think I was a lesbian.

"Lots of guys here tonight," Alice said, elbowing me.

I pushed her off. "Yep," I agree. "Lots of guys indeed… in suits… on a Saturday night."

Alice scoffed so loudly the people at the table next to us glanced over. "You're so ridiculous, Bella. I don't get why you're so damn picky!"

I tried not to roll my eyes but failed. I seemed to be perpetually single, but I wouldn't call myself picky by any means. My last boyfriend was a chauvinistic pig and I dated him for over six months. The pickings were getting slimmer and slimmer each year, so I had to relax my standards… a lot, unfortunately.

"Marcus. Garrett. Peter," I reminded her of the men I dated the year before. "How can you say I'm picky?"

"Paul. Jared," Jasper coughed out as he glanced up from his phone.

I shook my head at Alice as I flipped off her husband. "I'm not telling you anything else ever!"

"He's my husband," she wailed desperately and it was so fake and stupid that I started laughing. "He does have a point though. Maybe your head and heart should be as open as your legs."

"Bitch!" I exclaimed, my hand going over my heart. "Right to the jugular… betrayed by the one who claims to love me the most."

"You did go through your share of dudes last year," Jasper said, turning toward me. He loves to gossip more than anyone else I know, his wife included.

"It was a banner year for me," I told him. "What can I say?"

"You dismissed all of those guys for such small things, Bella! All guys are annoying at times! I mean, I love Jasper to death, but he loves shitty death metal." Jasper protested loudly, and Alice patted his leg and shushed him. "All I'm saying is everyone has their thing that drives their partner crazy, but you have to learn to roll with the punches and give people room to be themselves."

"Marcus was thirty-five and lived with his mother. Garrett was married and lying about it. Peter didn't have a job and played video games all day. Those were not small things, Alice!"

"I know-"

"No!" I interrupted her. "You found Jasper in college, and y'all are amazing together. I know you want me to have a relationship like yours, but it just hasn't happened yet for me. That doesn't mean I'm broken or I'm not trying. I have a fucking awesome life!"

"Hell yeah!" Someone whooped behind me. "Let's do shots because life is awesome!"

I turned in my seat, embarrassed that someone else heard my impassioned speech. Jasper's sister Rose and her husband Emmett were standing behind us.

"Sorry," Rose said as walked up to the table. "Emmett has already had a few drinks this evening," she continued, shaking her head at her large husband. He smiled and high-fived Jasper. They got up and headed toward the bar to grab said shots. I was going to have a terrible headache tomorrow.

Rose joined Alice and I at our round table, her blond hair up in an elegant bun. Her makeup was impeccable. Rose was the epitome of glamour.

She covered her mouth with her hand before belching. Okay, she was the epitome of glamour when it came to looks not her manners. Plus, she was like six months pregnant. She had a pass on rude bodily functions for a couple months more.

"This damn kid is giving me crazy, fucking heartburn."

She also cussed up a storm. She was A-OK in my book.

"You're definitely glowing," Alice sweet talked her sister-in-law.

"That's because I'm sweating like pig in here," she snapped back, fanning herself with her hands.

I started helping fan her with my hands and Alice joined in. Her shoulders slouched in slight relief. The guys came back then and Emmett handed her a water which she threw back. He apparently knew the drill because he had a back up waiting which he pushed across the table.

Rose slammed the glass down and wiped the excess water off her mouth with the back of her hand. "Another!" she grunted.

"I'll go," a man said from behind Emmett. I didn't even know we hand another in our party. I watched him walk away, frowning at his suit.

"Who was that?" I asked the table.

Emmett glanced up from making goo goo eyes at his pregnant wife who was currently chewing ice like she was getting paid to do it.

"My older brother Edward," he told me. "He's cool. Alice said you were on the prowl, so he came with us."

I turned toward my best friend who would soon be my ex-best friend once I murdered her. She had the good sense to look ashamed. "I have to go tinkle!" she exclaimed. "I'll be right back."

I smiled and arched a brow. "I'll join you."

 **Dun. Dun. Dun. Well, I'd love to know what y'all think. I'm trying to post this little story every day.**


	5. Five

Alice ran into a stall as soon as we stepped into the bathroom.

 _Chicken._

I looked at myself in the mirror for a minute before touching up my lipstick. "I can wait all night for you to come out of there," I told her after a minute.

The toilet flushed.

"Fine," she grumbled as the door opened. She beckoned me with her fingers. "Lay it on me. I'm ready for it."

I crossed my arms over my chest and just looked at her.

She started to fidget, and we continued to stare at each other.

"Fine!" she exclaimed after about thirty seconds, throwing one arm in the air. "I am officially crying uncle. Stop staring at me, but to be clear, I did not tell Emmett you were on the prowl!"

I let my arms fall. "You didn't?"

She shook her head. "No," she paused. "Jasper did."

"Alice!" I screamed. "That's even worse!"

"It was just guy talk. We all went out for a drink last night after the symphony. We went to that bar uptown… you know the one that serves pizza. Rose was starving after the show, and she was so particular about what she would eat. It was ridiculous-."

"They're going to think you fell in the toilet." I motioned for her to get on with it.

"Anyway, we ate pizza and had some drinks. Edward was with us because he just moved back home and is sleeping on his brother's couch-"

"Sounds like a catch," I interrupted.

"As I was saying," Alice spoke over me. "Edward was with us, and I was talking about you because I love you and you're my best friend and I think you're beautiful."

"You ass kissing skills are beyond this world," I told her as a small smile creeped onto my face.

"It probably feels real good too, huh? Because no one else has kissed your ass in a while?" She somehow said keeping a straight face.

"It's only been like four months, Alice," I reminded her. "That's not that long."

She shook her head and gave me a look that closely resembled pity. "That's a long time. You're probably already a virgin again."

"So, y'all were eating pizza," I prompted, choosing to ignore her last statement.

"Yes, and I mentioned you after you finally texted me the picture of you last night."

I groaned, dropping my face into my hands. "Are you serious?" I asked her already knowing the answer. Alice patted my back. "Oh man, I'm scared to ask…" I said, trailing off.

"Well, Emmett kind of snatced my phone out of my hands," she replied, grimacing slightly. I nodded. I knew it. I just knew it.

"It got passed around. When Edward got the phone, he asked about you-"

"He asked about me as in what's wrong with this woman? Why does she have two chicken nuggets sticking out of her mouth?" I asked, my eyes wide and my tone sharp.

"You were doing duck lips!" Alice replied. "It was cute!"

"I love that you're defending me. I think that means you're as crazy as I am," I told her, shaking my head in disbelief.

"You're not crazy," Alice said with such conviction I almost believed her. "You were hungry and making a statement about the ridiculous pictures girl post online. You're avant garde. You're an older millennial taking a stand. It's really powerful."

"That's such a big load of bull shit, Alice, but I do appreciate it all the same," I told her with another loud groan.

"Okay, so this suited stranger thinks I'm a desperate insane woman with an affinity for fast food?" I asked her. "Did I miss anything?"

Alice grimaced. "I guess that about sums it up," she agreed.

"Right," I sighed. "Let's just go back out there."

Once we were back at the table, I was steadily avoiding Emmett's brother. I was maintaining a no eye contact policy and it was working for me. Avoidance was key. Unfortunately, Emmett seemed to have other ideas.

"So, Bella, we just loved your picture last night," he told me after a few minutes with a wink and a smile. "It was quite… fetching."

Everyone started laughing.

"Okay, alright," I said. "Yuck it up, you clowns."

Rose hiccupped and rubbed her protruding belly. "It's not that bad. I've done worse," she told me after the laughter died down. "The other day I pulled the cream out of ten oreos to make one sandwich and then crammed it in my mouth. I've become a monster."

"You're my monster," Emmett said adoringly, his eyes glazed over from alcohol and probably lust, the freak.

Rose smiled at him. "And this one folds whole medium pizzas in half and eats it like one piece," she said, pointing her thumb at her husband.

"I've seen that!" Emmett's brother added. "It was kind of amazing."

Emmett bumped his fist to his brothers. "Edward, remember that time you wrapped a personal pizza around a taco?" Emmett asked him. Edward laughed and nodded. "You were like my idol then," he continued.

"Aww," Alice added because she's always a sucker for things like that even when they're stupid. "When was that?"

"Last week," Edward told her with a straight face.

I couldn't hold in the loud guffaw that came out of my mouth at that one.

I finally actually looked up at Edward, and I'll tell you he wasn't disappointing. He had a wide smile, dark green eyes, and brown hair. His nose was regal and his jaw sharp. He even had a few freckles on his nose which were real sweet.

He was hot enough that I was willing to overlook the suit.

And, that was saying a lot.

 ***Obviously this story is pure silliness.***


	6. Six

A couple of hours and three martinis later, I was feeling mighty fine. Rose and Emmett had called it a night already, but Edward decided to stick around and have another round.

 _Cue the eyebrow waggles galore._

By the way he was leaning towards me as I spoke, I think he had stayed for more than a drink. I mean I may be feeling a little toasty at the moment, but I knew when a man was making the eyes at me… the bedroom eyes.

 _Bah-chicka-wah-wah!_

"So, then, I jumped on stage and belted out the best Whitney Houston you ever heard, dropped the mic, and walked out the building," I continued, feeling smug that my karaoke story was the best around.

"That's pretty good," Edward said, nodding like he was impressed.

I bet he was.

Jasper coughed and shook his head. "The _best_ Whitney Houston, Bella?" he asked, his eyebrow arched. "I think you're remembering it differently than I am," he said with a laugh.

I glared at him.

Alice giggled. "Yeah, and if you mean we helped you walk out, then yes, you walked out the building," she added.

My life was filled with traitors.

I pushed myself further in front of Edward's face, blocking his view of the turncoats. "Don't mind them. They're just jealous of my star power," I told him with a wink. "But enough about me, share something about you." I smiled.

He smiled and looked down at his drink as he swirled the liquid around in the glass. "I'm not all that interesting," he replied. He glanced back up at me. A half-smile lit up his face. His eyes even twinkled, but that could have been the booze speaking. "I've never belted out 'I Will Always Love You' in the middle of a wedding."

"Then you have never truly lived," I said with a laugh.

My cheeks heated up as he continued to look at me, his eyes flickering over the planes of my face. My hand had a mind of it's own and was softly rubbing against my collarbone. His eyes drifted down.

Alice yawned. It was so loud and so obviously fake that it caught my attention, breaking the drunken spell Edward had me under.

She stretched her hands above her head. "Man, I think I need to hit the road," she said through another fake yawn. She elbowed Jasper as she brought her hands back down.

Not one to be outdone, Jasper also fake yawned, covering his mouth with his fist. "I'm so tired all of the sudden," he said. "Weird."

I glanced back over at Edward at the same time he looked back over at me. "I mean, if you're ready," he said with a small shrug and smile.

"I wouldn't mind sticking around for a bit. We could split a taxi later," I told him, feeling unusually shy at the moment. This guy was disarming me. It was equally exhilarating and terrifying.

Alice jumped up, her sleepiness seemingly gone. "Alright then!" she agreed as she grabbed Jasper's hand. "Y'all have fun and be careful! I'll call you tomorrow, Bella!" Her husband barely had a moment to mumble his goodbyes before she pulled him right out the door.

We watched them go before turning back towards each other. "I like them," Edward told me.

I smiled, shifting myself so my entire focus was on this incredibly attractive man in front of me. "Yeah, they're fantastic. Alice I have been friends since we were about twelve."

He smiled back. "Friendships like that are the best. James, my best friend, and I have known each other since the third grade. His dad actually had a hand in getting me my new job."

"It's all about who you know," I agreed.

Work crept back into my mind. My face must have soured because Edward placed his hand on top of mine. "Are you okay," he asked, sounding hesitant. "We can leave if you want."

"Sorry," I told him with a small smile. "Talking about work got me thinking about yesterday. I found out that my company went against protocol and hired from the outside." I shook my head. "It doesn't matter right now."

His hand squeezed mine almost as tight as my things were squeezing together. His face was open and warm as he gave me an encouraging smile.

"You can talk about it if you want," he told me. "I'd love to hear about your job."

"It's not that exciting. I'm in sales for a company that makes plastic wares. My boss just quit though, and I'm one of the five people directly under him. It would have been nice to have a shot at the job before they looked elsewhere."

Edward gulped and ran his hands through his hair. "That's no good," he commiserated.

I nodded, agreeing with his simple statement. "Whoever it is will probably come in with all these new ideas and try to shake things up. What if he fires people? It's just so much unknown. I hate it.

"Well," he started before pausing like he was deep in thought. "It might not be all bad. Maybe you'll like this new person more than you're old boss."

I snorted, thinking about Mike Newton. "They would have be an absolute terror to be worst," I concurred.

He gave me a small smile. "Well, then, you'll probably be safe. Not too many absolute terrors running around in this world."

"Your lips to God's ears!" I smiled. "If only."

He let out a little laugh. "If only."

I turned my hand over on the table and slipped my fingers through his before lightly stroking the fingers of my other hand over his forearm. "Enough about work," I said. "That's neither here nor there when it comes to you and me."

He grinned, resting his other hand on my knee. "What about you and me?" he asked with a wink.

My lips and mouth were suddenly Jesus in the desert dry! My breath stuttered after I licked my lips when his hand ran further up my leg. Edward leaned in close, his nose lightly pressed against my chin. He then full-on nuzzled before running his nose up toward my ear and whispering in my ear. "How about you and me… and your bedroom?"

"Well," I started, shivering as he gently kissed my neck below my ear. "Why are we still sitting here?"

 **Ooh-La-La... if you like it, I would love to hear it. XOXO**


	7. Seven

The taxi ride was… awkward.

Our built up sexual bravado from the bar slipped away faster than my college boyfriend after I told him I loved him after a month of dating.

I honestly thought I would never recover from that. I cried for the entire summer after sophomore year. I was as clingy to my emotions as I was to my boyfriends, and I've only slightly matured since then.

Tonight, though, if I didn't have sex with this man, I would end up with PTSD or something. I wanted him on top of me more than I have wanted anything in a very long time. If it didn't happen, I may become full-on depressed.

 _Stick your head in an oven Sylvia Plath depressed._

We had been all over each other as we walked out of the bar. I might have even humped his leg like a dog as I tried to climb him like a tree, but that's neither here nor there. Let's just say the doorman may have gotten an eyeful.

It was just our luck too. There were a plethora of cabs to choose from. We grinned at each other, in sync and ready to fuck. I slinked by him after he opened the door, letting my finger trail across his chest as I moved into the car. I was sex personified.

That's when the smell hit me.

Edward jumped in and shut the door. The driver took off before I could even get any words of warning out.

Edward gagged. My eyes crossed. It was like a mix between stewed cabbage and an infection. The child locks were on, and I couldn't even roll down the window. Our driver might be the devil. This could be the ride to Hell, new millenia style.

I needed to escape this hot box of odorous torture, but I also really needed to get naked with this man next to me. I only lived ten blocks from the bar, and I figured we could make it. I held my nose. I tried breathing through my mouth, but I could taste it on my tongue.

It was burning my retinas.

I grabbed Edward's thigh tightly in my hand. I'm sure I was clawing his leg through his pants. His eyes were shut tight. He opened them at the touch of my hand, never removing the bottom half of his face from underneath his suit jacket. His haunting glance was filled with terror and misery.

He looked like a man on the verge of running away.

It was time for drastic measures. I smiled or at least tried to smile. I was going for the kind of grin that let someone know you still wanted to suck his dick later, but I think I only manager a sad grimace. The type of face that says I guess you'll do when you're super drunk and the lights come on at the bar at the end of the night.

Basically the complete opposite of what I was shooting for.

After what felt like hours, the driver pulled up to my building. Edward scrambled out of the back of the car, falling to the ground and gasping for breath on the sidewalk. It was a little dramatic, but I'd give him his moment in the spotlight because he was just so damn attractive.

I snarled at the driver as he held out his hand to be paid, but being the polite southern woman I am, I still tipped him.

It was only a small tip though.

I took in a deep breath through my nose once I was free, letting the cool, clean air fill my lungs. "Thank fuck that is over," I huffed out, still sucking back air like cocaine.

Edward finally stood up from the ground. I didn't tell him that he had sat in gum and it was stuck to the back of pants. It might push him over the edge, and then he would never push me over the edge...of an orgasm.

Damn.

I really wanted this man to give me an orgasm.

I needed to put some feelers out there to see where the night was going. It was time to be super casual and cool. "So, are we still going to have sex?" I asked.

Totally not casual or cool, but it could have been worse. I didn't leer or anything.

"I mean, you know, it's cool or whatever. I was just wondering because it's been awhile," I rambled when I was nervous. My face was probably as red as a baboon's ass right now.

"It's been awhile for me too," he told me after a moment.

 _Okay, Bella, time to play it cool. Grab his hand and pull him inside… your apartment… then your vagina. You got this._

"How long?" I asked instead.

Do I secretly hate myself?

"You first," he said, one eyebrow raised. It was weirdly hot.

I blushed. "It's been like four months," I told him, acting like it was no big deal. "And you?"

He blushed back. "A year," he mumbled. I choked a bit on the spit in my mouth. Edward patted my back lightly while I continued to cough and sputter like a moron.

"That's cool," I said after I caught my breath. I coughed one more time for good measure.

"It's not cool, but that's what happens when your marriage is shit. You don't have sex," he said with a shake of his head.

"You're married?" I questioned him, my eyes wide. I don't do that cheating shit. I won't be the other woman. Not after the last time when my car got keyed.

"Technically," he admitted. "We're seperated," he added quickly and loudly, obviously responding to the look on my face. "It's been a long time coming though. Hence, the no sex for a year thing. I moved out a month ago. I'm still sleeping on Em and Rose's sofa until I start my job and can find my own place."

He blurted it all out, obviously laying all of his cards on the table. His life was kind of a hot mess, and I was old enough to know better than to jump into a relationship with a man that had this much baggage.

Jumping into bed was a different story altogether though, and this beautiful man hadn't known the touch of a woman in a year.

I was going to be that woman.

"So," I said again, smiling at him in what I hope was a come hither sort of way. "Are we still going to have sex?"

I couldn't raise one eyebrow, but I could waggle both of them. I did just that for probably longer than was necessary.

"Yes!" he yelled out, overly enthusiastically. It was adorably desperate.

I stepped closer until I was right in front of Edward. Placing my hands on his chest, I leaned into him. He placed his finger under my chin, raising my head to look up at him. It was a good move. I smiled. He smiled. We both leaned.

Our first kiss was soft and sweet on the side of the street outside my apartment. His tongue pushed into my mouth. As the kiss deepened, I moved against him, loving the way his hard body felt against mine.

The words just slipped out of my mouth.

"You smell really badly."

He laughed and pulled me into a tight hug which made the smell surround me in the worst way. "You do too," He said, rocking me back and forth lightly. "You do too."

 **Maybe a shower is in order? ;) Thanks for reading!**


	8. Eight

We almost showered together. There was a moment of lust so strong that I nearly suggested it. I barely contained the words from falling from my mouth. Then, I remembered the harsh, bright light in the bathroom.

Yeah, he was so not ready to see my thighs in 80 watt LEDs.

After scrubbing that nasty cab-smell out of my hair, I wrapped up in my soft blush colored house coat AKA my third best friend after Alice and my vibrator. It was soft as fuck and like three sizes too big. I would definitely save it in a fire. It was a treasured belonging.

I put Edward in the guest bath after showing him where the good towels were, but I didn't have a clue if he was still there now. Knowing he could be snooping because I would be if the roles were reversed, I rushed through getting ready again, slipping into the sexiest pajamas I owned - sleep shorts and a tank top. Not that sexy honestly, but at least they weren't ripped. I then debated going braless, but decided in the end my boobs would be more alluring if they were perky than if they were pointing towards my toes.

I would take it off later when I was on my back. Boobs always look best then. Well, one of them always looks great and the other kind of drifts away. I had a lazy boob, but I was working with what I had and figured one good boob was better than no boobs at all.

I lotioned my face and put on a swipe of mascara after drying my hair, took a deep breath, and then exited my bedroom.

What I found in my living room took my breath away. It was a true vision of loveliness if I ever saw one. I even had to wipe a little drop of drool away from the corner of my mouth.

Edward was sitting on my sofa eating pizza clad _only_ in a towel.

"Making yourself at home?" I asked him with a smile.

He glanced up mid-bite. I watched him as he chewed and swallowed, blushing the whole way through. It made me tingle downstairs. I hope I was turned on by the man and not the pizza, but I was drunk enough still that it was kind of a toss-up.

 _I could shoot someone in front of their mama for some pizza right now._

"I hope you don't mind," he said after he wiped some sauce from his face. I was pretty far gone because I thought that was hot. My brain had apparently dwindled down to nothing but a Paris Hilton saying from the early 2000s. It was all mush upstairs...and downstairs.

I need someone following me around with a drum kit for all these jokes.

"I saw this in your freezer and went ahead and cooked it while you were getting ready," he continued sheepishly.

I shook my head, acting like I was about to well up with big, fat tears. "I can't believe you baked that, Edward," I told him, my lip quivering. I should win an Oscar for this shit. "That was my special pizza my grandmother left me when she died!"

His eyes got wide, and they comically flashed back and forth between me and the piece of pizza in his hand. "I didn't know," he finally said, throwing the pizza back on the plate. "I'm sorry!"

I pursed my lips into a tight frown. "That was my dead Granny's Digiorno." I turned away barely containing my laughter. "My DGD, Edward...My DGD," I whispered.

I glanced back over at him, and he was looking pretty doubtful. I winked at him. "You're so full of shit!" he retorted with a laugh. "I'm over here trying to do a nice thing by cooking some pizza and you're giving me a hard time."

"What?" I asked, my hands up. "You're not down with the DGD?"

He nodded, waving his hands above his head. "Yeah, you know me."

I laughed hard, happy that we were on the same page. "I would high-five you or kiss you right now for joining in on that nonsense, but I really want some of that pizza."

He let out a small laugh, almost a giggle, and it was super cute. Grabbing tight on his towel, he started to move over on the couch, making room for me. I totally tried to Phenomena that towel right off his body, but John Travolta I was not, unfortunately.

As it was, it stayed on, but I eyeballed it through three slices just in case.

"You know I'm starting to feel objectified," he said. "My eyes are up here."

I swallowed my last bite and looked up at him. "I know where your eyes are, Edward, but I'm much more interested right now in a different region of your body."

He chuckled and gave me that panty-dropping grin again. "I'm interested in all the regions of your body," he told me, giving me the once over and then some intense eye contact.

Now, normally, eye contact like that makes me squirm a bit in the negative way, but tonight all the squirming I was doing was _oh-so_ positive.

"Well," I said, scooting closer toward him. "Why don't we do something about all this interest we both seem to have."

Edward gave me a sexy smile, nodding as he reached toward me. His hand brushed my hair back and then cupped my neck, his thumb stroking my collar bone. "You are without a doubt one of the most alluring women I have ever met, Bella Swan," he told me, sticking with that eye contact again.

I felt bashful which wasn't an emotion I was normally encountered in situations like this, so I pushed it away, pulled up my big-girl panties and kissed him.

Our second kiss was hot and fierce on the couch in my living room. I felt him everywhere. His lips were soft but strong and moved against mine perfectly. I might have gotten a little too enthusiastic and added a tiny lip bite into the equation, but Edward seemed to like it, judging by the way he grunted and thrust his hips.

I lost track of time as we continued to make out on the couch like teenagers. I finally pulled away, breathing heavy, as Edward kissed down my neck and chest. "Bedroom," I panted. "Now!"

He didn't even say anything, just jumped up, grabbing my hand and pulling me from the room. He turned down the hallway toward the guest room. "Wrong way!" I shouted, turning and then pulling him after me.

It was the best game of adult tug-o-war I ever played.

 **So, I don't know how lemony this is going to get. It may be only slightly citrusy. What do you think?**


	9. Nine

I dragged Edward into my bedroom.

It was semi-clean, thank God for my cleaning lady, but I wasn't about to give him the opportunity to look at his surroundings too much.

I wanted him only looking at me, myself, and my vagina.

Spinning around, I jerked him toward me until our bodies were smashed together, so I could wrap myself around him. I wanted to consume him. We kissed until I was out of breath and my patience was long gone.

I needed him naked now.

I had prepared my bedroom when I got out of the shower. The overhead light was of course turned off, and the ceiling fan was on low ready for our sweaty moments. The low lighting of the sconces flanking my bed was perfect for nakedness, so it was time to make it happen.

You know how sex in the movies always involves people slowly undressing each other while they danced sensuously and hot R&B tunes crooned them into the loving embraces of their lover's arms?

Well, maybe that was just _Dirty Dancing_ , but still, this definitely wasn't a movie moment...unless that movie was a porno.

I reached out and ripped off the towel from around Edward's waist.

He let out a choked out noise of surprisal his eyes going wide. I turned my sight south, and I could practically feel my pupils blow at the vision before me. My mouth was suddenly dry.

Edward had a big dick, and it was pretty as a picture.

He cleared his throat, and I realized I had been staring for longer than I probably should have. Although, what was polite in this situation seemed to me like it would be subjective. I doubt they taught etiquette on the proper way to introduce a new penis into your life.

"This is feeling a little unbalanced," Edward spoke up as he shifted uncomfortably.

"I think things normally swing in your favor," I replied with a wink, immediately regretting both the wink and the statement. "You know, like the justice scale because your dick is so big," I then explained for some reason. It's like I just can't stop.

Edward seemed to enjoy it though judging by the way he laughed. He looked good laughing while naked too! It's not an easy feat to pull off when so many things could start jiggling.

I smiled at him, and he grinned back. "Take off your clothes, Bella," he said, and it was just the right amount of commanding. Too much, and it would be rapey. Too little, and it would be wimpy. It was a fine line. I followed his wishes, stripping out of my shorts and shirt.

"You are so sexy," he told me as I reached back to unhook my bra, his eyes never leaving my face. I let the bra fall to the floor and my panties soon followed. He looked me up and down before concentrating back on my face, making some more of that pesky eye contact, and I stared back, panting and smiling like the drunk, horny idiot I was.

Then, as if the starting shot was fired, we attacked. Edward practically tackled me onto the bed, and I let out a loud squeal that was quickly concealed by his kisses. Our hands were free to roam, unhindered by clothing, and I ran my fingers over the lithe muscles in his strong back, enjoying the weight of his body over mine.

Edward's hands covered the gambit of my body, from my toes to my hair, and it was glorious. He hitched my thigh up around him, squeezing tight. His lips traveled south, spending some time on my breasts. He went for the good one first, tracing around it with his tongue before taking my nipple in his mouth. My hips started rolling. Then, not to be biased, he pulled my lazy boob over with his hand and repeated the actions.

He kept going lower, much to my growing excitement. His tongue dipped into my belly button on his way to the promised land. Edward nipped at my thighs, and they somehow fell even further open.

Edward then went to work, and he worked me well!

"You taste so fucking good," he growled. I shivered from his words and actions, and I'm sure it was Niagra Falls down there at this point.

It came upon me quickly, my hips working out the rhythm of my orgasm before my mind was even there. Everything tensed together before it all fell apart, and I was left a twitching mess on the bed.

"Mmm," I lazed out. "You're really good at that," I said with a complimentary pat on the head.

He smiled up at me. "I love being petted like a dog after I go down on a woman," he joked. I tried to think of a good comeback, but my mind was still stuck on stupid after that orgasm.

"There are condoms in the top drawer in my bedside table," I said instead, and he seemed to like that, eagerly reaching over to grab one. I took my opportunity and grabbed his erection, enjoying the feel of him in my hand. "I can't wait until you're inside me," I told him, and he shuddered, fumbling a bit to break off one of the condoms from the pack. "You're super attractive," I told him still slightly in a daze.

Edward smiled a wolfish grin before opening the pack with his teeth. "Thanks," he said, spitting out the excess plastic as he rolled on the condom.

Then, he was on top of me, pressing inside, stretching me until I felt every inch of him. I was wrapped up in Edward; all I could focus on was him.

"You feel so good," Edward said between thrusts, pushing my hair back from me face as he looked into my eyes. I nodded in agreement. "God, Bella, you're fucking amazing," he continued, panting. I simply nodded again. _I was pretty great._

Lifting my hips with his, I was working harder than I had in awhile. Our sweaty bodies were moving together as the burn was growing inside us. It started from low in my stomach, slowly moving towards each nook of my body.

Edward was grunting, his eyes closing as he took us closer to the fall. "Touch yourself," he said, fucking me harder. "I want you to come with me, Bella."

I agreed. I wanted that too and did as he requested, touching myself in a way that I knew from experience would take me over the edge. My breath came out in pants as it neared, bigger than I had felt in way too fucking long. I shook as it hit, Edward pounding into me throughout, until he finally finished as well before landing on top of me with a huff.

I patted him again, giggling lightly from the lax giddiness that comes from a good orgasm. He lifted up, smiling down at me before leaning towards me and kissing the shit out of me.

"I haven't had two orgasms back to back in years," I told him in between kisses.

"I'm glad I could help you out. How about we shoot for three?" he asked with a wink.

 **Sorry about the delay. I had a hard time balancing silly and lemony. I hope you enjoyed!**


	10. Ten

My head was pounding. The spot between my eyebrows felt like it was about to burst it was throbbing so hard. I groaned from the pain and realized much to my horror that my breath almost smelled worse than the taxi last night.

The cab I was riding in with Emmett's brother, Edward.

 _Who I had sex with last night!_

One eye peeked open to see if he was still here. He was definitely real and in my bed. He rolled over on his back, and I slammed my eyes closed, pretending I was still asleep until I heard him let out a small snore. Once it felt safe, I checked him out again, surreptitiously examining his sleeping form. I still found him stunning which was a plus. There is nothing worse than waking up after a night of drinking to find someone who resembles Ron Howard's brother lying next to you.

My stomach gurgled loudly, and I held my breath until I knew it didn't wake him up. I was either hungry or about to puke, but I _refused_ to let myself throw up. Breakfast it was then. I slowly peeled the covers off of me, cringing the whole time. I then tried to _Mission Impossible_ myself out of the bed, using all of my sneaking powers.

When I almost tumbled straight onto the floor, I let go of that idea and just stood up like a normal person. I mean I'm thirty. If I was going to have ninja skills, I would have already developed them by this point.

In the kitchen, I started my coffee pot, rejoicing with a small happy dance once the dark liquid starting to drip into the pot. Grabbing a bowl and the cereal, I poured myself some breakfast and sat down to eat with my cell phone in hand.

I scrolled through Facebook and Instagram before checking my unanswered texts. An unsurprisingly urgent message from Alice was the only one there. She was being her normal, pushy self, demanding details and using way too much punctuation. I ignored it in favor of more cereal and hot coffee.

My phone started buzzing almost as soon as I sat it down. I rolled my eyes, picked it back up, and answered it.

"What?" I hissed.

"Why didn't you text me back?" Alice asked. "I'm literally dying over here!" I could hear Jasper in the background. There was a long pause as Alice mumbled something to him, her hand obviously muffling the phone.

"Ok," she said quietly to her husband before speaking directly into the phone once more, asking me, "Is he still there?"

"Is that your question or Jasper's?" I asked her.

She gasped but didn't reply right away. More whispering between them followed. "Jasper's not even here right now," she lied.

"First of all, you're a liar. I can hear him!" I told her with a shake of my head. "Second of all, how did you even know I was up? Are you stalking me or something?"

Alice scoffed. "Stalking you? Hardly," she huffed. "You read my text message."

"Have y'all been staring at your phone until I read that message?" I inquired with a small laugh. That was pathetic even for them honestly. "You don't have anything better to do?"

"She sure doesn't sound like she got any last night," I heard Jasper tell Alice. "She is fucking grouchy!"

"Tell Jasper to mind his own business!" I whisper-yelled at Alice.

"That was the television," Alice said, obviously holding on to that lie no matter what..

"Y'all need to get a hobby," I said through a mouth full of cereal. Milk might have dribbled down my chin, but it didn't happen if no one was there to witness it. That's some straight solid logic there.

"That's a nice look," Edward's voice behind me was startling and I squealed, dropped my phone, spit some of the food out of my mouth, and choked on the rest of it. In that order.

"Shit!" he yelled, running over to pat my back. "Put your arms in the air!"

I coughed again. "I'm fine," I finally wheezed out. "I'm talking. I'm breathing. I'm fine," I continued, taking deep breaths once my airways were cleared. Edward handed me a paper towel, and I wiped my mouth before laying it over all the chewed up cereal on the counter. No one needs to see desecrated mini wheats.

"Are you okay?" He asked me with a cautious smile as he handed me back my cell phone.

"What's going on?" Alice's tinny voice came through the speaker. Instead of worrying about her crazy right now, I simply hung up on her and her nosy husband and put it down where it would be safely out of my obviously destructive reach today.

"Yeah," I grumbled, finally answering him. "I think I'll live."

He gave me a bright smile. "I'm really glad, Bella," Edward said, placing his hand on my shoulder in support. "I would hate if you would have died on me this morning. The amount of phone calls I would have had to make alone would have put a real hinderance in my day," he joked.

I snorted in laughter, and it burned, causing my eyes to water. I guess I had some left over milk residue in my nostrils or something. It was terrible. After the burn faded, it turned into a familiar tingle before I sneezed like a banshee for about five minutes straight. That then faded into hiccups.

This morning had to be a joke or something. I needed to go back to bed.

Edward just watched me, his eyes wide taking it all in, wincing with each overly loud sneeze. When my bodily function medley was finally over, he appraised me before stating, "If you would have belched too it would have been the perfect trifecta!"

I groaned, dropping my head to the table in embarrassment. I could hear Edward laughing but I refused to lift my head up. "I was just joking!" Edward promised.

I rolled my head to the side, glancing up at him with one eye. "Your sonic sneezes are cute!" He promised. Groaning again, I turned back toward the table.

"This is the worst!" I lamented a bit overdramatically, finally sitting back up properly. Edward was trying to keep a straight face as he shook his head in disagreement. "I had to walk home with one shoe and no bra one time in college, and I thought a morning after could never be quite that bad again. I was wrong!"

"Your bra I guess makes sense," Edward said after some deliberation. "But how did you lose your shoe?"

"I don't know!" I told him with a frown. "That was a long time ago.

"Did you kick it off?" He asked. "Do you think it was stolen?"

"Edward!" I practically screamed. "That dumb shoe isn't the point!"

He contemplated that for a while. "Do you remember if that guy had a dog?" He questioned. "Maybe he had a weird women's shoe fetish and stole it for his personal collection."

I thought that over for a bit, picturing that guy in my mind in high heels, and it was just all so ridiculous, the whole morning and especially conversation, that I just lost it, busting out into loud laughter. Edward smiled before joining in, chuckling right along next to me.

"This has been a fucking stupid morning," I said after the giggles died down. I let out a deep breath and wiped my eyes.

Edward nodded a big grin etched on his face. "It hasn't been all bad. I mean, I did get to wake up in the bed of a beautiful woman...save her life...uplift her spirits."

I rolled my eyes. "You didn't save my life," I scoffed. "You were the one who almost killed me by sneaking up on me!"

"You're just mad I caught you talking about me to someone this morning," he said with a waggle of his eyebrows. "Sharing my sexual prowess with your friends, were you?"

"Yeah, right," I replied.

He nodded. "Yeah," he said. "I know I'm right."

I snorted out a laugh in response, patting him on his back as I stood up to take my bowl to the sink. "You keep telling yourself that, Edward."

He let out a loud noise of protest before grabbing my hand and pulling me behind him. "Where are we going?" I asked him.

"We're going back into the bedroom and I'm going to show you how right I was." He stopped and looked back at me, letting his eyes graze over my entire body. "Over and over again if I have too."

Well, who was I to deny him that?

 **She's back to work tomorrow. I wonder what Monday morning will bring?**


End file.
